Beginning Again

Okay, y'all. Here is attempt number 3175-ish to control my food cravings. Fact is I've been struggling with this for years. I remember a day years ago when I was in my car, reflecting on a conversation I had just had with a friend in which she revealed her history of bulimia. I wondered to myself what it must be like to suffer from a food disorder. And it was like a switch clicked in my brain, and I've struggled with food ever since. Sounds dumb, but regardless of that, it's true.

I've just started reading my sister's copy of Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I have decided it's time to do something about this. Again. My problem: Minute by minute obsession with munching, highlighted with phases of drastic sugar abuse (I really can't/don't stop once I get started) set between phases of chin-in-the-air self-imposed elimination of processed sugar from my diet.

I do not want to confront this monster. I don't want to deny myself. Bible verses about "deny yourself and take up your cross and follow me" turn me WAAAAAYYYY off. But. This Food Craving Monster is standing between me and a closer relationship with God. And I hate THAT more than my food obsession. I've been relying on food when I'm sad or stressed, I've been celebrating with food when I'm happy or silly, instead of relying on and praising the God of the universe! So, very reluctantly, I'm stepping into these cold unpleasant waters of self-denial, with my eyes on the promise of greater closeness with my Creator.

I can't pretend that there isn't an attraction to the idea of getting back into a few favorite items in my wardrobe and saving money (probably $5 to $10 a week) usually spent on food I don't need to eat. But these motivators by themselves have only worked very temporarily for me in the past. I have realized through extensive trial and Error that the self-imposed restrictions and gimmicks I've come up with in the past just don't create lasting change in my habits. I'm hoping to use this journey as a way to become more reliant on my Savior and less (shudder--this is scary) reliant on myself.

Anyway, to get to the main point of this post, one of Lysa's thoughts in Made to Crave is that "desperation breeds degradation," and she highly recommends finding some friends to help speak rationality to you when you experience anxiety caused by changing habits and making sacrifices. She points to the story of Jacob and Esau--with Esau giving up his birthright for some stew and bread--as an example of desperation breeding degradation, and her point was that if Esau had had a friend around to encourage him to wait and speak reason to him in his hunger, he might have controlled his impulses. (Just the idea that I've been behaving like Esau every day--giving up a much greater long-lasting Good for another handful of crackers (but they're whole-grain!) --helps me know I'm on the right track!)

So...if you are reading this, I am inviting you into my world of impulse and irrationality and mess to help be a rock of rationality and encouragement. Just the fact of you reading this--actually the fact of me knowing the potentiality of you reading this--is going to be a help.

I am going to simply record what I eat each day, and I appreciate you just reading and keeping vigil with me as I press forward. I will appreciate your encouragement and/or constructive criticism, a spot in your prayers from time to time, and ANY Bible verse you can respond with for the cause, but please don't feel pressured to spend any more than 30 seconds every two or three days just reading.

If you feel specially called to journey alongside me on a quest of defeating your own cravings, please let me know. I'd love a partner or two!

Thanks so much in advance for your help! Much to love to all of you.