The Fall

The only thing I got from the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil is a sense of my personal rights and how to be angry. A sense that God may not be wholly good. That I have the right to choose my own path. I reflected on this as I vacuumed in frustration today. Frustrated that there were crayon shavings behind the couch, that there was moon sand/playdough dried and stuck in the carpet, that the baby was trying to play with the vacuum cleaner when I just wanted to clean, when I am overwhelmed with an impossible list of tasks to do today--that all need doing TODAY. Before 6 PM. I reflected on how it was my choice to be angry about these things. But it doesn't seem like I'm choosing to be angry. I don't like being angry. [Or do I?] But my circumstances (and hence my anger) seem imposed from without...so it must be God torturing me, right? But actually, in spite of my strong feelings to the contrary, I can choose to rejoice. I actually taught Isaac this phrase in the car on the way to school this morning:

Every opportunity to be angry is also an opportunity to rejoice. --Mama

He was very pleased to have it memorized after only one hearing. Thank you, Ann Voskamp, for inspiring that little morsel. But even though I'd rather rejoice, I choose anger. The only way to escape is to find those little bits worth rejoicing about. Or big bits, actually--they just tend to seem small in the face of the injustice! I'm thankful that I have a carpet in my floor that still looks medium nice, even. I'm thankful that I have a machine that sucks the dirt out of the rug so that I don't have to. :) I'm thankful that I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who loves to dance in the light and the wind emanating from the top of the vacuum, all the while with a great big open-mouth smile directed right on me. "We're sharing this awesome fun moment, mom!" she would say if she could speak her emotions.

So why is it so hard to choose joy? To drop anger? Would I rather live in a pre-fall (Adam and Eve fall, not autumn fall) garden type situation? Ignorant of... what.

What would I be ignorant of? There's this image of Adam & Eve that I tend to have in my mind that may be altogether wrong. Before they ate the *bad fruit* and got kicked out of Eden and got all the rest of us cursed, what were they like? A&E is one of the hardest Biblical stories for me to really buy, by the way, at least in the literal sense. Anyway, I used to imagine A&E were child-like in the wisdom department. I focused on their attributes of inexperience and gullibility and really imagined them to be pretty silly.

After reading C.S. Lewis' Perelandra, I have a different idea of what a person lacking in the knowledge of good and evil might look like: a new creature, teachable (not primitive), thoughtful, innately dignified, open to suggestion (so yes, gullible, perhaps), loving. Not distanced from the Creator! Able to walk in the garden with the Creator. This being would be capable of the full range of emotions that we know, including anger. But rather than feeling anger on one's own behalf, anger would most likely be directed on things that anger God, injustice against and harm to other parts of His creation. Would a pre-fall person feel anger on his own behalf? This kind of anger comes from feeling one's right(s) has (have) been violated. If we truly had no knowledge of good and evil, would we just trust that everything we receive, every act of God (weather, geological events, traffic jams, or what have you) is simply good? If that was the case, wouldn't we rejoice in everything that happens to us? Even if it was the result of someone else's folly or ignorance? How could we judge? It reminds me of the old Zen parable of the farmer whose horse ran away. The neighbors come to sympathize, saying, "That's bad!" but the farmer responds, "Maybe." The horse returns bringing back 2 more friends. "That's great!" the neighbors shout. The farmer says, "Maybe." One of the wild horses throws the farmer's son, and his leg is broken. And the pattern continues.

So would I like to be a pre-fall type person? In the past, I've always thought No, actually. And I still struggle on a really sub-verbal level with this whole issue. There's a sense of control that comes with feeling like I can judge what is good or not. But here is what I really think in my verbal, conscious, school-marm part of my brain: that sense of control I claim in the judging of events outside of my control is completely false. It's not there. I have no control. What I get out of judging whether something is good or evil is... I get the joy completely sucked out of me. That's what I think now. When I think before I open my angry mouth.

If you're interested in the topic, I recommend Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. It opened my thinking a bit, and I plan to re-read it every year. It's a very Jesus-oriented perspective.

Today I'm thankful for:

* A baby who dances in the breeze of the vacuum cleaner with a great big open-mouth smile shining on me!

* A life full of purpose.

* A cup of tea in the cool artsy mug.

* Heat in my house.

* A Thanksgiving trip to see many family peeps, especially the long-time-no-see sisters!

Today

For me yesterday is still today. It's nearly 2 AM, and I've been sitting here, tapping away from sheer momentum (not from determination) and gradually deleting the excess from my e-mail inbox. Here's hoping to reach J.R.'s required status of being able to view all the e-mails in the little window with no scrolling. Soon! Down to 70 right now.

Just finished up day 12 of no refined sugar sweets. Not missing it, really. I've even managed to survive through a Dessert gathering and a birthday party. I definitely still get my treats and am now trying to figure out how to move into "eating less or nothing when I'm not actually hungry" mode. Baby steps? I really don't need yogurt with cereal, nuts, and raisins RIGHT after lunch. That's my dessert now: even though it's somewhat healthy, it's totally unnecessary.

Some words have been entering my world of late that line up in crazy ways with my issues. Just finished reading Pilgrim's Progress (who would have thought?) and appreciating how personifying weaknesses and sins makes them less "gauzy." Easier to see. In myself.

Last night randomly followed a facebook acquaintance's link for a few webpages and sadly reading post after post from self-proclaimed pagans denouncing a Christian prayer movement. Startled at encountering a woman's declaration that one pagan can "conquer" or counter-balance many Christians, because according to her, many pagans are well trained in their practical arts, while most Christians only have words or vague notions of their beliefs, but no discipline or training. How true! I mean that many Christians lack training in the sense of developing faith into muscles, strength to change, bear fruit, etc. Me particularly. Made me think of sport's training. Over time, building muscles through testing and discipline. Mentally resolved to enter into more serious training through time with God.

Then, amazingly, listening to Chip Ingram's series "The Miracle of Life Change" while washing dishes this evening, he gives me this: "In some cases, God miraculously delivers from certain [sins], and there are other areas of besetting sin, and the only way [these] besetting sins are overcome are by going into Spiritual Training." And the next few podcasts cover the "training stations" (weight-lifting analogy). Whoop! I feel like my first besetting sin (not food/sweets) was healed miraculously by God in one fell swoop. NOW, I've been granted an opportunity and alignment of resources and encouragement to enter into training to conquer my food addiction besetting sin. I felt strengthened simply by having the sports analogy applied, and I look forward to getting stronger in this area. Baby steps.

Beginning again.

Not beginning the struggle again--that's ongoing. Beginning this blog again. Resigned to the fact that this is how I write. For 2 to 10 days in a row and then not at all again for a month or two or six.

Changing the rules. No sugar at all is unrealistic. And I'm not sure that's what God wants from me. I think He just wants me to hear Him daily. I am getting some help from the Biblical imagery of battle armor. I will "to bed" before 10 PM.

Good night all, and thanks for your continued prayers and support.

Thankful list:

*A baby covered from crown to knee in green goop who hit sleepy-time goofiness during dinner and made incredible faces and giggled maniacally at any sound or motion in her near vicinity.

*Yesterday's jogging fall, which resulted in a deep cut in my knee, abrasions on both palms, stiff and sore shoulders, and a Wake-Up call from above. Again. Rrrrring.... rrrriiiinggg... it's the clue phone! Answer it, dork!

*a messy house. There's gotta be some way to be thankful for a messy house. I might as WELL be thankful for it....

*audio Bible at http://www.esv.org/resources/reading-plans-devotions/ Very excited about this!

*20 sibling hugs in the bathtub (she really loves me a lot!)

*muddy little shoes, muddy little pants, muddy little shirts, muddy little hats, mud prints throughout the house, and the end of Wet & Wild camp. Shew! Fun but...muddy.

*a cool overcast day in July

*both kids ate green food today without complaining

*sleepy sleepy hubby

4/14/11

Last night was beautiful. Cora slept (or at least was quiet) from 6 PM to 7 AM. I had a good night's sleep, waking only once at 3 AM out of habit. Woke again at 5 AM feeling much better than yesterday--head still clogged up but no fever. Promptly over-did it, fixing breakfast and sitting up at computer for several hours, fever returned and stayed, and boom, flat on my back the rest of the day. Thank The Lord that my mom came to help out today.

Again, food not much of an issue. Tom Yum and tea most of the day.

15) The awakenings of a new humility brought on by this long illness--help me continue to cling to you Lord after the mucous finally subsides.
16) Job. From the Bible. Yep, I actually read 10 chapters of Job today. Hadn't touched it since Senior English. See Blessing #1.
17) a GORGEOUS day, fit for kids to romp outside with Bobbo, sunning the germy blankets and couch cushions and sunning myself for a bit.
18) Tom Yum and a sweet friend who brought it. And a sweet husband who brought more soup, just in case. It's a Thai soup--best for burning out cold/flu germies.
19) A good night's sleep last night.
20) My lovely mother.
21) the cool sweet breeze drifting in in the dark as I settle on the couch.

4/13/11

I'm not listing today's food, because I am sick, and I know I didn't eat too much (eating was not enjoyable today), and all I want to do is list what I'm thankful and then lie back on the couch and hopefully drift into peaceful oblivion.

8) A 5-year-old who delights in delighting me with a surprise (he fed the cat without being asked!)
9) VeggieTales buying a pleasant evening of couch time with same 5-year-old
10) blooming tulips
11) husband who canceled a class and other school obligations to stay home with the kids when I burst into tears of desperation this morning
12) decongestants and ibuprofen
13) this dang flu, that's forcing me to confront my complaining grumbling (slave of Egypt) heart and lean on my Savior
14) generosity and grace from unexpected quarters

James 1:something...Blessed is he remains steadfast under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of righteousness which God has promised to those who love him.

4/12/11

Sick with a nasty cold, so food was pretty simple today. Not much of a struggle to not eat when the tummy is already full of gunk. Eww.

Breakfast: leftover stew (with tabasco), half a pancake
Snack: a couple of random bites of pancake Cora didn't finish
Lunch: chicken salad on green salad with hot mustard and tabasco
Snack: nada
Dinner: chicken thigh, potato salad, Challah bread that Isaac made!
Snack: nope

Going to bed now and hoping Cora will sleep to 3 AM like she did last night (when I was up til midnight doing taxes, argh!)

Aha! 4/11/11 balanced

Okay, part of my trouble (see past week) is that I start flailing in my motivation and purpose without the "water wings" of repeated visiting of key passages in books. The Bible is a help, of course, but I still get more out of the Bible and myself when I read books about the Bible. Something to work on. And, I lent my copy (well, actually my sister's copy--hi, Julie!) of Made to Crave to a friend, and I'm kind of wishing I could go back to certain chapters to go through the, "Now WHY am I doing this, again?"

But. This very timely post arrived in my inbox this evening after a hard day, and I understand that I have left out an important piece. And Lysa even went over this now that I think about it...giving thanks! I have not been thankful for this struggle, but I could and should. And giving thanks for all the easier-to-be-thankful-for stuff in my life would balance out the drudgery of turning away from the White Cabinet empty-handed tens of times a day.

So here goes. In addition to my list of the day's food intake, I'm going to start counting my blessings. Local friends, I do not like the hymn, so please don't sing it at me. :)

1. cool evening breezes through wide open windows after a very warm spring day
2. blowing bubbles for the baby for the first time - she made astonishing developments in her *consternated* look
3. a sick day during spring break - no teaching!
4. a rock of a hard-workin' husband - home for a minute between work obligations with a hug and a smile
5. missing and not missing the 5-year-old while he's at the grandparents' house
6. hot sauce
7. our first-ever tulips in full flush bloom