Beginning again.

Not beginning the struggle again--that's ongoing. Beginning this blog again. Resigned to the fact that this is how I write. For 2 to 10 days in a row and then not at all again for a month or two or six.

Changing the rules. No sugar at all is unrealistic. And I'm not sure that's what God wants from me. I think He just wants me to hear Him daily. I am getting some help from the Biblical imagery of battle armor. I will "to bed" before 10 PM.

Good night all, and thanks for your continued prayers and support.

Thankful list:

*A baby covered from crown to knee in green goop who hit sleepy-time goofiness during dinner and made incredible faces and giggled maniacally at any sound or motion in her near vicinity.

*Yesterday's jogging fall, which resulted in a deep cut in my knee, abrasions on both palms, stiff and sore shoulders, and a Wake-Up call from above. Again. Rrrrring.... rrrriiiinggg... it's the clue phone! Answer it, dork!

*a messy house. There's gotta be some way to be thankful for a messy house. I might as WELL be thankful for it....

*audio Bible at http://www.esv.org/resources/reading-plans-devotions/ Very excited about this!

*20 sibling hugs in the bathtub (she really loves me a lot!)

*muddy little shoes, muddy little pants, muddy little shirts, muddy little hats, mud prints throughout the house, and the end of Wet & Wild camp. Shew! Fun but...muddy.

*a cool overcast day in July

*both kids ate green food today without complaining

*sleepy sleepy hubby

4/14/11

Last night was beautiful. Cora slept (or at least was quiet) from 6 PM to 7 AM. I had a good night's sleep, waking only once at 3 AM out of habit. Woke again at 5 AM feeling much better than yesterday--head still clogged up but no fever. Promptly over-did it, fixing breakfast and sitting up at computer for several hours, fever returned and stayed, and boom, flat on my back the rest of the day. Thank The Lord that my mom came to help out today.

Again, food not much of an issue. Tom Yum and tea most of the day.

15) The awakenings of a new humility brought on by this long illness--help me continue to cling to you Lord after the mucous finally subsides.
16) Job. From the Bible. Yep, I actually read 10 chapters of Job today. Hadn't touched it since Senior English. See Blessing #1.
17) a GORGEOUS day, fit for kids to romp outside with Bobbo, sunning the germy blankets and couch cushions and sunning myself for a bit.
18) Tom Yum and a sweet friend who brought it. And a sweet husband who brought more soup, just in case. It's a Thai soup--best for burning out cold/flu germies.
19) A good night's sleep last night.
20) My lovely mother.
21) the cool sweet breeze drifting in in the dark as I settle on the couch.

4/13/11

I'm not listing today's food, because I am sick, and I know I didn't eat too much (eating was not enjoyable today), and all I want to do is list what I'm thankful and then lie back on the couch and hopefully drift into peaceful oblivion.

8) A 5-year-old who delights in delighting me with a surprise (he fed the cat without being asked!)
9) VeggieTales buying a pleasant evening of couch time with same 5-year-old
10) blooming tulips
11) husband who canceled a class and other school obligations to stay home with the kids when I burst into tears of desperation this morning
12) decongestants and ibuprofen
13) this dang flu, that's forcing me to confront my complaining grumbling (slave of Egypt) heart and lean on my Savior
14) generosity and grace from unexpected quarters

James 1:something...Blessed is he remains steadfast under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of righteousness which God has promised to those who love him.

4/12/11

Sick with a nasty cold, so food was pretty simple today. Not much of a struggle to not eat when the tummy is already full of gunk. Eww.

Breakfast: leftover stew (with tabasco), half a pancake
Snack: a couple of random bites of pancake Cora didn't finish
Lunch: chicken salad on green salad with hot mustard and tabasco
Snack: nada
Dinner: chicken thigh, potato salad, Challah bread that Isaac made!
Snack: nope

Going to bed now and hoping Cora will sleep to 3 AM like she did last night (when I was up til midnight doing taxes, argh!)

Aha! 4/11/11 balanced

Okay, part of my trouble (see past week) is that I start flailing in my motivation and purpose without the "water wings" of repeated visiting of key passages in books. The Bible is a help, of course, but I still get more out of the Bible and myself when I read books about the Bible. Something to work on. And, I lent my copy (well, actually my sister's copy--hi, Julie!) of Made to Crave to a friend, and I'm kind of wishing I could go back to certain chapters to go through the, "Now WHY am I doing this, again?"

But. This very timely post arrived in my inbox this evening after a hard day, and I understand that I have left out an important piece. And Lysa even went over this now that I think about it...giving thanks! I have not been thankful for this struggle, but I could and should. And giving thanks for all the easier-to-be-thankful-for stuff in my life would balance out the drudgery of turning away from the White Cabinet empty-handed tens of times a day.

So here goes. In addition to my list of the day's food intake, I'm going to start counting my blessings. Local friends, I do not like the hymn, so please don't sing it at me. :)

1. cool evening breezes through wide open windows after a very warm spring day
2. blowing bubbles for the baby for the first time - she made astonishing developments in her *consternated* look
3. a sick day during spring break - no teaching!
4. a rock of a hard-workin' husband - home for a minute between work obligations with a hug and a smile
5. missing and not missing the 5-year-old while he's at the grandparents' house
6. hot sauce
7. our first-ever tulips in full flush bloom

4/9/11 to 4/11/11

Y'all, I'm having a really hard time right now. Cora woke up a bunch night before last, so even though I went to bed early, I didn't feel rested. She slept better last night, but I had a fever and stuffy head most of the night and couldn't sleep. And my fuse is un-Godly short. And I feel entitled to eat whatever I want. I'm fighting, but I feel weak. Plus, with Isaac gone, instead of feeling relaxed with the fact that part of my burden is lifted, I feel panicked to get everything done TODAY. Taxes, organizing clothing (winter to spring), updating website, an urgent sewing project. It's just not a good space to be in. And I'm behind on my blog. Here's what I can remember of the past couple of days. It is not all-inclusive.

Anyway, thanks for the cheering comments. I am "devouring" them more than anything today.

4-9-11
Breakfast: 1 egg and ?
Lunch: one slice homemade pizza, small salad
Dinner: big dinner at Texas Roadhouse. Went to bed early (7:30?) to escape the 'fridge' because I just wanted to eat more when we got home. Dumb.

4/10/11
Breakfast: plain yogurt with nuts and raisins, ginger
Lunch: Irish "banger and mash" with some sauerkraut
Snack: orange, a handful of pecans
Dinner: freezer dinner of Pad Thai, baked sweet potato
Snack: small bowl of cereal

4/11/11
Breakfast: plain yogurt with nuts, raisins, apple, ginger and 1 fried egg
Snack: homemade blackberry pancake
Lunch: tostada w/ lentil-veggie topping. Walnuts and raisins. I did not need the walnuts and raisins. I have stopped. I have also not gone to the cabinet to stick my hand in the cracker or cereal box like I very much want to. Snack in 3 hours...
Snack: handful of crackers and peanuts, a couple of bites of apple
Dinner: last of the turkey meatballs with veggies and rice, mashed potatoes

4/8/11

Breakfast: scrambled egg with onion, 1 blackberry pecan pancake
Snack: apple with almond butter
Lunch: green salad, 4 leftover meatballs

It's just 1:30, and I'm feeling like maybe I'm hungry again. As I said before, I am trying to re-set my brain to make sure I am actually physically hungry before I eat. So, I'm waiting for snack time (2:45 at the earliest). I had an epiphany this morning that I have been in "grazing" mode for so long that I actually haven't let my body get physically hungry many times in the past year and a half. As a result of that, several times in the past few days, I've thought, "Hey! I'm hungry!" and I experience automatic mild indignation followed by STRONG impulse to pop something in my mouth. It occurred to me that hungry is kind of a natural feeling, and that I could probably remain in that hunger state for 15 to 30 minutes before eating something. It's usually not long until a meal or snack time. I'm hoping that building the new habits of mindfulness and God-centeredness will eventually replace the habit of "Pop goes the cracker!"