Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

Today on the inevitable facebook, a friend commented: Setting aside a single day of the year for love is like setting aside a single hour of the day for breathing.


Okay.  But setting aside a single day of the year to receive and give small tokens of love from/to friends and especially children is marvelous!  I bought into V-day more than usual this year.  It didn't hurt that two evenings ago, my beautiful 6-year-old son presented me with a hand-strung bead necklace replete with red hearts, ladybugs and TWO rainbow beads that he had made.  And it was all his idea, no less.  Oh, the mama's heart went "thump thump" and the tears flowed.  The next day while chasing Cora around during Isaac's tae kwon do class, I was inspired to enter the Dollar Store and purchase 3 heart-balloons-on-sticks and 5 long-stem roses (two for Isaac's teachers).  On V-day itself, Isaac surprised me as I returned from my jog by appearing in the dining room fully dressed to the shoes...and I surprised him with heart-shaped English muffins with ham and poached eggs.  Wheee!  And THEN, I surprised the whole family with decadent desserts a la the special goodie case at Earth Fare ('cause I just happened to be there today and walk past).  And this year, we actually had completed valentines for him to take for his classmates.  The last two years, completion has been a bust.


So anyway.  I still don't like the commercialism aspect.  I don't like spongebob valentines (though we definitely used some for his class--can't remember why I had those, but I think I've had them since before Isaac was born).  I don't like Whitman's candy (anymore), and I don't like feeling obligated (or having Matthew feel obligated) to provide love-y gifts to "honor" the day, or the idea that there's one day designated for love.   But I do enjoy the token gifts, the ritual, the celebration of pink, and crazy yummy desserts composed of chocolate and fruit.  So there.


Thankful for:
* Cora hustling around the corner, looking from behind every bit of Mamaw Peck acting goofy.
* Cora saying "hnuse me" when trying to go around me.
* Isaac having a day of no tantrums!
* Isaac's new "Isaac is helpful chart."  This thing saw a miracle today.  Not sure what is cause or effect, but we'll leave that for now.
* A morning of errands with my sweet little girl.
* My hardworking hubby.
* eggrolls with no eggs
* a movie night.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Word for 2012

Instead of trying a resolution for this year, I'm trying a word again. Last year's word was Listen. I forgot about it halfway through the year, but when I thought of it, it helped. The Kari word for 2012 is Holy. Bum ba buuuuuum! It's a little off--in that it sounds like I might be aiming for "Holier than thou," but if you know me, you probably realize that's not the way I roll. Holy may not quite be the right word, but the idea I'm going for is to allow God to fill my spaces and sanctify me. Of course I want to eat less, be more present in the moment, enjoy my children and marriage more--typical resolution ideas and all the same things I wanted last year and the year before and so on. Instead of focusing on self-improvement projects and the ways that I fail each day--my stumbling blocks, as it were (food, distractions, over-busy-ness, etc), I am making "Holy" my mantra, my idea to go to when I'm falling back into the mire each day, my word and prayer to help me to cling to my Savior and King. Funny that the day after I picked my word, we actually sang at church:

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee;
Holy, holy, holy, merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore Thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before Thee,
Who wert, and art, and evermore shall be.

Holy, holy, holy! Though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see;
Only Thou art holy; there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in pow’r, in love, and purity.

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All Thy works shall praise Thy Name, in earth, and sky, and sea;
Holy, holy, holy; merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

Wert and art are strange words in our language, and some versions of the hymn use more updated language, but I like the old-fashioned originals. Plus I think referencing God with the word Art is lovely. God, the ultimate Artist and Creator. Last summer, Isaac attended a poetry workshop, and the first thing the teacher said was that to be a good poet, one's primary job is to become a good "noticer." This really has been seeping into my consciousness, and it's kind of a "duh" epiphany: to be a good artist of any kind, a good liver, a good lover...one has to be a good noticer. I lose at this a lot of the time, so I'm trying on a new habit of listing out God's blessings each day. One or two blessings or 10 or 11, however many I have time to think of, as I go through my day, to chronicle the beauty and grace bestowed lavishly on me each day.

I have read some neat-o books (A Praying Life and A Good Life and 1000 Gifts among others) which I am using as step stools to help me be more regularly in the scripture and quiet prayer time. I want to know Jesus better. Every day.

So, here's my thankful list for Jan. 1, 2012:
* Aunt Julie here!
* Matthew telling me and Julie not to rush back as we leave the kids with him while we wander out to find lunch, window-shop at REI, and generally hang out.
* Matthew and Aunt Julie playing with the kids while I sleep off a headache for an hour...AND making yummy porkchops for dinner and washing up afterwards! Huzzah!
* Isaac's obstacle courses in the back yard
* The red-hatted-and-jacketed woman at Earth Fare who needed some lunch and gave me a hug and a "God bless you." No, God bless YOU and keep you, whoever you are.
* Playing Sorry! with Matthew, Julie, and Isaac--our first 4-person game! Plus, I won 3rd.
* Time to work on photo albums and scrapbooks!

Jan. 2, 2012
* Winter sunshine glinting off of Cora's fluffy hair.
* The trash truck and another toddler to be amazed with it.
* White and blue lights still in the bushes.
* 4th day of jogging with Julie and better endurance.
* Time to write.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Fall

The only thing I got from the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil is a sense of my personal rights and how to be angry. A sense that God may not be wholly good. That I have the right to choose my own path. I reflected on this as I vacuumed in frustration today. Frustrated that there were crayon shavings behind the couch, that there was moon sand/playdough dried and stuck in the carpet, that the baby was trying to play with the vacuum cleaner when I just wanted to clean, when I am overwhelmed with an impossible list of tasks to do today--that all need doing TODAY. Before 6 PM. I reflected on how it was my choice to be angry about these things. But it doesn't seem like I'm choosing to be angry. I don't like being angry. [Or do I?] But my circumstances (and hence my anger) seem imposed from without...so it must be God torturing me, right? But actually, in spite of my strong feelings to the contrary, I can choose to rejoice. I actually taught Isaac this phrase in the car on the way to school this morning:

Every opportunity to be angry is also an opportunity to rejoice. --Mama


He was very pleased to have it memorized after only one hearing. Thank you, Ann Voskamp, for inspiring that little morsel. But even though I'd rather rejoice, I choose anger. The only way to escape is to find those little bits worth rejoicing about. Or big bits, actually--they just tend to seem small in the face of the injustice! I'm thankful that I have a carpet in my floor that still looks medium nice, even. I'm thankful that I have a machine that sucks the dirt out of the rug so that I don't have to. :) I'm thankful that I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who loves to dance in the light and the wind emanating from the top of the vacuum, all the while with a great big open-mouth smile directed right on me. "We're sharing this awesome fun moment, mom!" she would say if she could speak her emotions.


So why is it so hard to choose joy? To drop anger? Would I rather live in a pre-fall (Adam and Eve fall, not autumn fall) garden type situation? Ignorant of... what.

What would I be ignorant of? There's this image of Adam & Eve that I tend to have in my mind that may be altogether wrong. Before they ate the *bad fruit* and got kicked out of Eden and got all the rest of us cursed, what were they like? A&E is one of the hardest Biblical stories for me to really buy, by the way, at least in the literal sense. Anyway, I used to imagine A&E were child-like in the wisdom department. I focused on their attributes of inexperience and gullibility and really imagined them to be pretty silly.


After reading C.S. Lewis' Perelandra, I have a different idea of what a person lacking in the knowledge of good and evil might look like: a new creature, teachable (not primitive), thoughtful, innately dignified, open to suggestion (so yes, gullible, perhaps), loving. Not distanced from the Creator! Able to walk in the garden with the Creator. This being would be capable of the full range of emotions that we know, including anger. But rather than feeling anger on one's own behalf, anger would most likely be directed on things that anger God, injustice against and harm to other parts of His creation. Would a pre-fall person feel anger on his own behalf? This kind of anger comes from feeling one's right(s) has (have) been violated. If we truly had no knowledge of good and evil, would we just trust that everything we receive, every act of God (weather, geological events, traffic jams, or what have you) is simply good? If that was the case, wouldn't we rejoice in everything that happens to us? Even if it was the result of someone else's folly or ignorance? How could we judge? It reminds me of the old Zen parable of the farmer whose horse ran away. The neighbors come to sympathize, saying, "That's bad!" but the farmer responds, "Maybe." The horse returns bringing back 2 more friends. "That's great!" the neighbors shout. The farmer says, "Maybe." One of the wild horses throws the farmer's son, and his leg is broken. And the pattern continues.


So would I like to be a pre-fall type person? In the past, I've always thought No, actually. And I still struggle on a really sub-verbal level with this whole issue. There's a sense of control that comes with feeling like I can judge what is good or not. But here is what I really think in my verbal, conscious, school-marm part of my brain: that sense of control I claim in the judging of events outside of my control is completely false. It's not there. I have no control. What I get out of judging whether something is good or evil is... I get the joy completely sucked out of me. That's what I think now. When I think before I open my angry mouth.


If you're interested in the topic, I recommend Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. It opened my thinking a bit, and I plan to re-read it every year. It's a very Jesus-oriented perspective.


Today I'm thankful for:

* A baby who dances in the breeze of the vacuum cleaner with a great big open-mouth smile shining on me!

* A life full of purpose.

* A cup of tea in the cool artsy mug.

* Heat in my house.

* A Thanksgiving trip to see many family peeps, especially the long-time-no-see sisters!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Today

For me yesterday is still today. It's nearly 2 AM, and I've been sitting here, tapping away from sheer momentum (not from determination) and gradually deleting the excess from my e-mail inbox. Here's hoping to reach J.R.'s required status of being able to view all the e-mails in the little window with no scrolling. Soon! Down to 70 right now.

Just finished up day 12 of no refined sugar sweets. Not missing it, really. I've even managed to survive through a Dessert gathering and a birthday party. I definitely still get my treats and am now trying to figure out how to move into "eating less or nothing when I'm not actually hungry" mode. Baby steps? I really don't need yogurt with cereal, nuts, and raisins RIGHT after lunch. That's my dessert now: even though it's somewhat healthy, it's totally unnecessary.

Some words have been entering my world of late that line up in crazy ways with my issues. Just finished reading Pilgrim's Progress (who would have thought?) and appreciating how personifying weaknesses and sins makes them less "gauzy." Easier to see. In myself.

Last night randomly followed a facebook acquaintance's link for a few webpages and sadly reading post after post from self-proclaimed pagans denouncing a Christian prayer movement. Startled at encountering a woman's declaration that one pagan can "conquer" or counter-balance many Christians, because according to her, many pagans are well trained in their practical arts, while most Christians only have words or vague notions of their beliefs, but no discipline or training. How true! I mean that many Christians lack training in the sense of developing faith into muscles, strength to change, bear fruit, etc. Me particularly. Made me think of sport's training. Over time, building muscles through testing and discipline. Mentally resolved to enter into more serious training through time with God.

Then, amazingly, listening to Chip Ingram's series "The Miracle of Life Change" while washing dishes this evening, he gives me this: "In some cases, God miraculously delivers from certain [sins], and there are other areas of besetting sin, and the only way [these] besetting sins are overcome are by going into Spiritual Training." And the next few podcasts cover the "training stations" (weight-lifting analogy). Whoop! I feel like my first besetting sin (not food/sweets) was healed miraculously by God in one fell swoop. NOW, I've been granted an opportunity and alignment of resources and encouragement to enter into training to conquer my food addiction besetting sin. I felt strengthened simply by having the sports analogy applied, and I look forward to getting stronger in this area. Baby steps.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Beginning again.

Not beginning the struggle again--that's ongoing. Beginning this blog again. Resigned to the fact that this is how I write. For 2 to 10 days in a row and then not at all again for a month or two or six.

Changing the rules. No sugar at all is unrealistic. And I'm not sure that's what God wants from me. I think He just wants me to hear Him daily. I am getting some help from the Biblical imagery of battle armor. I will "to bed" before 10 PM.

Good night all, and thanks for your continued prayers and support.

Thankful list:
*A baby covered from crown to knee in green goop who hit sleepy-time goofiness during dinner and made incredible faces and giggled maniacally at any sound or motion in her near vicinity.
*Yesterday's jogging fall, which resulted in a deep cut in my knee, abrasions on both palms, stiff and sore shoulders, and a Wake-Up call from above. Again. Rrrrring.... rrrriiiinggg... it's the clue phone! Answer it, dork!
*a messy house. There's gotta be some way to be thankful for a messy house. I might as WELL be thankful for it....
*audio Bible at http://www.esv.org/resources/reading-plans-devotions/ Very excited about this!
*20 sibling hugs in the bathtub (she really loves me a lot!)
*muddy little shoes, muddy little pants, muddy little shirts, muddy little hats, mud prints throughout the house, and the end of Wet & Wild camp. Shew! Fun but...muddy.
*a cool overcast day in July
*both kids ate green food today without complaining
*sleepy sleepy hubby

Thursday, April 14, 2011

4/14/11

Last night was beautiful. Cora slept (or at least was quiet) from 6 PM to 7 AM. I had a good night's sleep, waking only once at 3 AM out of habit. Woke again at 5 AM feeling much better than yesterday--head still clogged up but no fever. Promptly over-did it, fixing breakfast and sitting up at computer for several hours, fever returned and stayed, and boom, flat on my back the rest of the day. Thank The Lord that my mom came to help out today.

Again, food not much of an issue. Tom Yum and tea most of the day.

15) The awakenings of a new humility brought on by this long illness--help me continue to cling to you Lord after the mucous finally subsides.
16) Job. From the Bible. Yep, I actually read 10 chapters of Job today. Hadn't touched it since Senior English. See Blessing #1.
17) a GORGEOUS day, fit for kids to romp outside with Bobbo, sunning the germy blankets and couch cushions and sunning myself for a bit.
18) Tom Yum and a sweet friend who brought it. And a sweet husband who brought more soup, just in case. It's a Thai soup--best for burning out cold/flu germies.
19) A good night's sleep last night.
20) My lovely mother.
21) the cool sweet breeze drifting in in the dark as I settle on the couch.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

4/13/11

I'm not listing today's food, because I am sick, and I know I didn't eat too much (eating was not enjoyable today), and all I want to do is list what I'm thankful and then lie back on the couch and hopefully drift into peaceful oblivion.

8) A 5-year-old who delights in delighting me with a surprise (he fed the cat without being asked!)
9) VeggieTales buying a pleasant evening of couch time with same 5-year-old
10) blooming tulips
11) husband who canceled a class and other school obligations to stay home with the kids when I burst into tears of desperation this morning
12) decongestants and ibuprofen
13) this dang flu, that's forcing me to confront my complaining grumbling (slave of Egypt) heart and lean on my Savior
14) generosity and grace from unexpected quarters

James 1:something...Blessed is he remains steadfast under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of righteousness which God has promised to those who love him.